Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Finding Common Ground

I'm exhausted.  My emotions are just barely under the surface just waiting to come out.  I am overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and irritable.  One would think that when your spouse comes home, life would get easier.  The physical aspect of my day has gotten easier but the emotional side has spun out of control. 

I remember the day that P left, I felt so empowered.  I felt like I was superwoman ready to conquer the world!  I was going to shatter any doubts that people had in our ability to succeed during the next 6.5 months.

What I didn't know was that I was going to have a good friend murdered, another friend pass away, and an earthquake.  P and I went to dinner the other night and for the first time, I got to tell him, face to face, about Shannon's funeral.  What it was like to receive that call.  The sucker punch that I felt that night.  I told him about watching her casket pass by my pew as I imagined my friend laying in that box.  I told him about her brother's eulogy as he so painfully stood up to tell us about his little sister and how thankful I was that my big brother was there to hold my hand.  I told him about watching one of my dearest friends carry her to her resting place and how we stood at her grave until she was covered with dirt.  He saw my tears for the first time.

What was crazy was that in that moment, his eyes showed the same pain as he told me,
"I know, Jeanne, I know." 
He lost his own friends in Afghanistan.  He watched as pure evil took the life of his friend who would soon become a father.  What do you say in that moment?  P knew the pain that would be injected upon that his family within hours and all he could was sit there with it.

As glamorous as the homecoming is, it is hard.  It is very hard.  I go back and forth between pure joy and confusion.  With confusion comes a great deal of guilt.  Why am I not over the moon and happy all the time???  I feel lost in my own world trying to grasp some sense of control.  I feel disconnected from the man who is trying so hard to live up to every possible expectation.  I am trying to figure it out but I feel like I am sinking.  I know with time, we will get back into a groove, but for now, I will just be thankful for those moments of connection between us.  Those times when we can find common ground between the independent lives that we have been leading.

1 comment:

  1. aww Jeanne....this makes me sad. I never had one that long, but I do remember how HARD it was the first few weeks after he came home. You both lost half of a year together. It will not just go right back to normal right away. Remember your high expectations are what cause the discouragement and disappointment. Do not have any...just know it is all normal and let it all just go with the flow. You KNOW things will be back to normal soon. Just give it time. I do not know if I have ever heard of an easy homecoming from anybody. Remember, no expectations.....just love each other and enjoy the fact he is home and safe. You can do this Jeanne! The hard part is over. relax and breathe. Oh yeah.....SMILE!=)


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