The Next Day...

It is currently 5:33AM and my brain is running wild trying to comprehend the last few days.  The kids are sleeping, my husband is finally in his own bed, the house is dark, and here I sit in my chair typing my heart out.

I am completely humbled by the words of my friends, family, followers, but most of all, my sister-in-law.  Reading her post allowed me to feel, for the first time, the feat that I have conquered.  You see, when you are faced with a deployment, out of survival, you have to stand up and act like it's no big deal.  It's just life.  If you bend to your fears, you won't make it.  What you are doing is so unnatural it's hard to ignore.  So, since May 6th, I chugged along, doing what I needed to do.  People would comment but I couldn't let myself hear it.  On Wednesday  night, I heard it and I appreciated it (and yes, I cried). 

I feel like I should have a great cry just to signify the end.  We're finished.  He's home.  Yesterday, I sat on the couch with my husband fighting that 'tough' facade.   How do you turn it off?  How do I go back to being the protected vs. the protector?  For the last 6 1/2 months, I have been the one to handle EVERYTHING.  I know the kids quirks, their fears, their likes.  I've set the alarm every night knowing that if anything happened in the night, I'd handle it.  All of the sudden, that's over.  I can relax...but I can't.

My shoulders are still tight.  My brain still running rampant.  I feel like I have a new life to learn.  None of us will ever be the same as we were before he left because we grew and experienced so much.  How do I find the 'new normal'?

More than anything, I recognize my husband grasping to gain control.  Not in a powerful way, but as a dad, as a husband, as a protector.  He doesn't know how the potty works.  He doesn't know our night time routine.  He doesn't even know the words of our night prayers.  Last night, as he tried to take over baths, he finally looked at me as said, "I don't know how this works.  What do you do next?"  My heart hurt as I saw his stressed eyes, trying to do what was normal but not even knowing what that looked like.

So, here I sit, the day about to start, preparing myself for change but hoping for normalcy.  With time, I'm sure these kinks will be worked out and we'll find our rhythm but for now, I am so thankful to be able to hug my husband and have someone to hold the kids other hand when we say the blessing at the dinner table.