3 Lessons Learned

I am so thankful for P's deployment.  As difficult as it may have been,

I. LEARNED. SO. MUCH!

If I were to write out EVERYTHING that I have learned, it would take HOURS to read this post so I decided to stick to the top 3.  So, here they are:

1. I have ridiculous expectations

In August, I had a minor mental/emotional breakdown.  I had been chugging along doing my thing but between the death of my two friends and then the earthquake, it became completely clear that in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely no control.  For someone who had gotten tired and was barely hanging on...I lost it.

Thankfully, I have the best parents in the world and it took all of 3 seconds of skyping for them to hop in the truck to come to my rescue.  My parents brought the older two to their house for about 10 days and I was given the opportunity to get my act together. 

During this time, I realized that the expectations that I had put on myself were absolutely unrealistic.  I learned that having a completely clean house, folded laundry, and home made dinner on the table at night does NOT make me a good mom.  I had never adjusted my expectations from being a two parent household to a one parent household and I was trying to do it all.  It didn't work.  I needed to address my expectations.

2. Kids are so much more capable than we allow.

I think most would agree that every generation before has some laundry list of things that they had to do that kids 'nowadays' don't.  While I am sure that is true, what I realized is that its not just that kids don't do them, its that we don't allow them to because we're scared.  My three year old does the dishes...seriously.  If I hadn't been upstairs when he first tried, I would have never known.  I started realizing that as moms, we just do everything for our kids before seeing what they are capable of.

Being a single parent for a time, I needed the help.  So, about halfway through, I started challenging them.  I'd give them tasks (not expecting perfection or even success) just to see what they were capable of.  I knew to stay close but the pride on their faces when they tried something new was priceless.  What I learned was that these children are SO MUCH MORE capable that we give them credit for! 

In our day and age, we tend to parent out of fear.  There are so many statistics telling us about the dangers, that we don't ever doubt them to look at the possible greater good in doing what is difficult.  I have been forever changed.  I am happier and, more importantly, THEY are happier.

3. Being Straight Forward Is the Best Policy.

While this lesson applies to all arena's of life, I learned that the more straight forward and specific I was, with my kids, the better.  For instance, I learned to lay out my expectations/rewards/consequences of their behavior before getting out of the car at the grocery store.  Once I started TELLING them what I was looking for, grocery shopping became SO much simpler.  I started breaking our day down so they knew what I was expecting and I knew what they were expecting.  It made life SO MUCH SIMPLER.

So these are the top three that are in my head right now.  I am sure I will talk to a friend, my mom, or somebody who will remind me of another big lesson, but for now, this is it!  Maybe I'll continue this list, who knows.

Things are going well around here.  Kids are happy, I am more rested (and therefore happy), and P is just happy to be home!  It's nice to see the kids adapt to him so easily.  We've agreed that it's not that we can't believe he's home, rather we can't believe that the 6.5 months ever happened.

I also wanted to let you know that if you have any questions, feel free to ask.  Every time I talk to friends, they seem to have tons and I don't mind answering any of your curiosities.

Have a great day!

Mothering in Shades of Grey

One of my biggest 'ah-ha' moments as a mother has come in the last couple of months.  After struggling to be everything to everyone and keeping myself to a strict 'right vs wrong' standard, I realized something huge!  Most of life, and mothering, is not actually made up of 'right' and 'wrong' decisions.  Rather, it is more along the lines of good, better, best.

While it may seem simple 'common sense' to many, it was not for me.  I had been holding myself, and others, to these ridiculous standards that, in my head, were right vs. wrong. 

So often, when we take our kiddos to the doctor or talk with our friends or family, we hear about what we should be doing. 

"Your kids should get A, B, and C vaccine at this visit"
"They shouldn't be going to pre-school this young, they should be home with mom."
"He should be talking by now."

With every should or shouldn't that got thrown my way, the pressure to make the right decision became heavier and heavier.  Over time, I started to see things that I didn't actually believe were right or wrong but didn't really know what to do with it.  Without knowing about shades of grey, I was running myself into the ground. 

I knew something had to change and I knew that it had to be me.  With every day, I started challenging more things that I had thought were solidified truths.  From motherhood, to faith, to cooking, to relationships, and beyond.  I needed to do what worked for me and my family, as long as they were done with a genuine heart.

So, while trading bathtime for a baby wipe wipe-down isn't the best, its still just fine.  And while making a homemade meal every night is awesome, macaroni and cheese works too.  And guess what, if nursing for a year doesn't happen, I'm still a great mother who is not short changing her child! 

Letting go of all of these expectations gave me so much freedom as a woman.  Life is full of choices and most of the time its not black and white, rather, it's about finding YOUR shade of grey.